Introspection: Intellectual Struggle Within My Mind

 I'm not a man, but the art speaks for itself.

I ran into a old classmate from one my favorite classes in undergrad today as I was coming from a political panel that was excellent. When we began talking, her diction and articulation reminded me that somehow I had fallen off my A game. But, I was able to pick my game right back up without difficulty. It was similar to the saying/belief that once you ride a bike, you never forget how to ride one.


Well, we began discussing relationships and education. Specifically, the gap that education (obtaining a post-secondary education) perpetuates in family, friends, and even romantic relationships. I mentioned that the ability to have a intellectual conversation was very, very important to me in a romantic relationship. Here's why:


Depending on the type of college you go or went to (I went to a PWI - Predominately White University) and the type of classes you took (I was a Social Science major) your language begins to adapt to the distinct language in that field. If you want to master your field, you learn the language. For example, if you're a Psychology major you may use terms such as dissociative, cognitive or reinforcement. While non-Psych manors may know these terms, how they're used in the Psychology field and in everyday society are disparate.



Then I thought about how education starts dividing us socially because in order for one to continue to grow and excel in their field of study they must accompany like-minded people. If the guy I'm talking to is a "around the way" guy, blue collar job, and didn't do too well in school and not too bad, I can't discuss the dire need for education reform to reconsider zoning and the classism that exists within various regions. The language that I use may be unfamiliar to him. Let me clarify, it becomes increasing hard and annoying to have to explain what you said again after you said it, but this time in a language that your partner would understand. For me, and I don't speak for everyone, I don't want to communicate in a different language that requires more thought about how to say it in a comprehensive manner than what I first thought or said. It's just more work. I prefer to use the language I used in my mind when I first wrestled with the idea. (Now, I'm not saying if I met the right guy and that was the only obstacle that it would be a automatic deal breaker, but he might have to take some classes. I'm not trying to dumb it down.)


When I was in college as a upperclassman, I was talking to a ex from my Senior year in high school and we were talking about politics and the Presidential race. Now, my ex had never gone to college and whether or not he is smart, etc. is not relevant, but it became painfully obvious that he was using words that he didn't really know how to use in a sentence and he didn't know what he was talking about. I felt as if he was trying to impress me (the college ex-girlfriend) rather than just being himself and I felt more annoyed that my intelligence was being toyed with. That is, I was teased with a conversation that started a desire to debate the matter further, but he wasn't a qualified opponent to debate.


I still believe that intellectual compatibility is a must for me. However, with the number of Black women pursing post-collegiate education growing and the number of Black men attending 4-year accredited colleges receding, I'm a little worried about my pool of options once I am out of law school. Of course, men of other races are a option, but its nothing like a beautiful Black man by your side as a Black woman. Then, geographical location already limits my eligible pool of "dateable" men, but education which furthers ones intellectual capacity has proven through experience that my options are even more limited or they just don't live in the DMV.


I wonder if I am the only one that takes intellectual compatibility into consideration when deciding what men are granted access to pursue more than just a preliminary conversation with me. Yes, I said granted because we all have permission to grant and revoke a person's admittance in our lives. If you don't pass the conversation test, you're SOL buddy! But is intellectual compatibility even important to men or women? Or more important to women than men or vice versa?

Thou Shalt Not Have Relations With Married Men...

For some reason I am still shocked to discover that women I've known my whole life and whom I have been very close to mess with married men. Of course, if married men are cheating, they must be cheating with someone! But, I can not fathom why any single woman in her right mind would want to date or sex a married man.

I believe in the silent code amongst upstanding Black women. I may not know who the woman is, but if a man has a woman he's dating, I refuse to discuss any topics or engage in any acts that I would call a foul on if my significant other had done the exact same thing. I represent probably a small percentage of Black women who honors and respect the code.


It's sad because the act of sleeping with a married man or a man in a committed relationship is very common nowadays. Fantasia! Separated or not, that man was not divorced from his wife. Yes, some men lie, but there are always signs, ALWAYS! One being, he never spends the night or that tan line around his left ring finger. Just saying.

Back on topic... Now, some people may say "if there's no ring, then he's on the market," but I guarantee you these same people would be crying their hearts out if their partner cheated. But it's a open market right?! D@mn hypocrites.


Seriously, as Black women and men, we have to do better! A Black woman cheating with a married man or a man in a committed relationship only diminishes the respect for Black love and relationships. It also sanctions the act of cheating for Black men in these relationships because let's face it, by today's ridiculous gender biases the woman will be a ho for sleeping around and the man, well he's the man. I don't agree with it at all, but how often does this seem to be the case!


Black men need to realize that a "real" man knows self-control (I hate using the world real but for lack of a better word). Black women need to realize that honey, you probably aren't the first, won't be the last, and if you get him - 9 times out of 10 how you get him, is how you lose him.


Have some dignity and respect not only for yourself, but for other people. Any person who willingly commits an act that they know may cause harm or hurt, is a person who is not whole or happy on the inside.It takes two people to cheat and both parties should be equally responsible for their wrongdoing.



Let's be and do better. What you do in the dark will come to light! I bet you wouldn't want your pastor or child knowing about your secret indiscretions, would you?



Did I take it to far? I am somewhat of an idealist. Would you ever sleep or date a married man or someone in a relationship? Have you been that man or woman that cheated? What is your take on this phenomena?

Girl, Let Me Tell You He Ain't Sh*t! - But You Keep Dealing With Him, SMH

Hating single girlfriend: Girl, he ain't sh*t! Leave him alone.
Girl in denial dealing w/ ain't sh*t dude: You don't know him like I know him.
Hating single girlfriend: He keeps treating you like a option. He calls and texts when he wants, but when it's time to step up, he disappears. Men only do what you allow them to do.
Girl in denial dealing w/ ain't sh*t dude: Yeah, you're right. I'm not going to talk to him any more.



2 weeks later...


Girl in denial still dealing w/ ain't sh*t dude: Girl, tell me why me & "ain't sh*t dude" was supposed to go out and he never showed up!



I think you get the drift. Every woman at some point in time will probably have the conversation above in some shape or fashion. Either she will be the supposed "hating single girlfriend" or the "woman in denial."

First, let me state for the record that just because someone is single and may offer relationship advice does not mean they're doing something wrong or that a single person's relationship advice should be deemed void and invalid because of their relationship status. That's absurd! Just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean they have discovered the magic formula to help you get a man or woman. Every person and relationship is different.


So, with that said... I shall continue.


Why is it that when a Black woman truthfully and wholeheartedly tells her friend in denial that the guy she's talking to really isn't worth sh*t, and that she should kick him to the curb and keep it moving? When she does, now she's a hater?
 

Reality Check: Some, yes some, not all, men aren't sh*t! Some women aren't sh*t! So on and so forth. Doesn't mean they don't have potential to not be so full of sh*t, but at the moment, it just ain't happening.


I love music and the Jazmin Sullivan's song "Holding You Down", particularly one line sums it up: "I'm ashamed to say that I'm the blame for how you acted... cuz I keep coming back."


If a man keeps ignoring your phone calls, but calls you when he's ready to chill. Ignores your texts, but then texts you out the blue like he didn't fall off the face of the earth for two weeks. If a man makes plans with you and on the day of those plans pulls another disappearing act. Ladies, you are an option!

Men only do what you allow them to do and treat you how you allow them to treat you. So if you're fine with being a option, go right ahead and play the fool, you might snag one. On the other end, you continuing to be a fool makes it harder for women like me to actually find a man who respects and value the woman he decides to pursue because we won't put up with the same games. Of course, at this point either he steps up or steps away, but that is to be discussed at another time.

Oh, and stop complaining about what he didn't do this time around. If his act hasn't changed after a month or so, it won't! That little bit of progress you thought you saw, is his way of doing just enough to keep you around longer. Men aren't stupid, but Women continue to be.


Am I wrong? Have you been a woman in denial, a hating single girlfriend, or a single girlfriend trying to be the light? If you are or have been the girl in denial, why do you keep going back? Should women start singing along with Keri Hilson and protest that our love indeed has a limit and it ain't being a mere option? Fellas, did I give away too much information? Have you ever been in denial before or the friend trying to help your homeboy in denial?


Honestly, I would love to know how ya'll feel about this one.

There's Only One Queen B!

The other day I was waiting for my friend at the metro just as you enter to catch the train. As I was standing there waiting, two other Black women, who in my opinion were attractive ladies, were standing a little distance from me. Well, as another Black woman came through the entrance (where you pay) she said something in reference to her being fabulous to her friends a little loud and in true ghetto-fabulous fashion. But, it's not her that took me aback, it was the comment I overheard from one of the other two ladies.



Hating-@ss woman: "It ain't like she isn't ugly."


Now, she could have been referring to someone else, but the coincidence of these two events occurring close to each others decreases the likelihood that she was indeed doing so. As I continued to stand by myself, in a dress, blazer, heels, and cute jewelry I might add, waiting for my friend I noticed something else.

I kept getting harsh stares from Black women. And no, I'm not paranoid. I'm a people watcher, so I watched white women continue to walk pass, but Black women would stare at me with that "she ain't cute" look. They could have been just admiring my wardrobe or makeup. And this isn't to say White women don't stare, but let's just dismiss that for this post.

Later that night I was talking with, let's call her Mrs. X,  and she was telling me how her girlfriends would always comment as Black women walked passed them: "Oh, she think she cute," "She know she shouldn't have even worn that," or "She ain't all that." We are talking about women who are 30+ now making these comments. Women who should, I use the term "should" loosely, be secure and confident with who they are and how they look.


So why is it that Black women hate on other Black women? Why can't a Black woman think she is cute or the sh*t?

I know when I get all dolled up for a special night out or for work, I don't think, but I know I am cute. Simply because I put time and effort into my appearance which should be rewarded by glances and fleeting attempts by gorgeous men to get my attention.



Mrs. X offered one intriguing explanation: There can't be more than one Queen B.



Why is it that there can't be more than one Queen B or can there be? Why can't Black women get along? Where does the hate come from? Do guys even have this same issue?

Why Did I Make Eye Contact?

As a single woman, the possibility that the next guy may be the "one," whatever the hell the one means, is always lurking around the corner. But what happens if the guys that approach you for your number are never the ones you're attracted to.

I used to say, I hate that guys judge me by appearance rather than my personality or intellect, but let's get real. I see you before I get to talk to you. Our sight is the first source of stimuli when we see someone. That's how I know whether or not I'm attracted to his fione ass a nice looking gentleman.

So yesterday, I was at a conference at the Verizon Center with my home girl and I noticed this guy kept periodically staring at me. Wasn't my cup of tea and I should have known better to make eye contact! I kid you not, as soon as I got in line for the women's bathroom, all I heard was "excuse me." After chuckling, more from being caught off guard that this fool had the nerve to actually follow me up a thousand steps and say something, the conversation went like this:

Me: Yes
Guy: My name is "G-man", what's your name?
Me: Miss Chanelle
Guy: I saw you and wanted to get to know you. Can I call you some time?
Me: Sorry, but I don't give out my number
Guy: Well, can I give you mine
Me: Uh, sure
Guy: (Gives number) You're probably not going to call me are you?



At this point, I should have just said no. But I gave him false hope. Oh, and I really don't give out my number - reasons that will be discussed in another post, but what was I supposed to do. I should have had the courage to just say, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. Yet, that would have been so wrong!??? Right?




I wonder how someone else would have handled an unattractive other following you to retrieve the digits? Do you pretend like you're interested? Or do you just say straight in their face, sorry, but I'll pass? Do you take rejection easily? How would you have reacted to someone saying they're not interested?

Reviewing the Archives of Facebook Notes

Once upon a time, facebook was hot and facebook notes were too. When it wasn't so horrible, I shared my thoughts with the world and there is one note that still resonates with me a year later.


Here it is:


A Woman's Heart  Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I guess this is one of those midnight notes after a long phone conversation with my home girl.


Believe it or not it is a cold world out here for a single woman. The confusion that we go through trying to figure men out. What is it that men don't recognize a real woman.

It's like they would rather be treated like crap than be treated like Kings. Now I know it may seem like I am a male basher due to some of my statuses, but to be honest I love my Black men. I just think that in this system that has flaunted the matriarch style of life and allowed men to scapegoat their way out of taking care of their responsibilities, our young boys have no one to look up to.

Then these young girls who are popping out babies, have never learned how to be a real woman and were never taught the value of teaching their sons how to treat a lady because their father was not around to teach them how a man should treat a woman.

This cycle is crazy. And my heart aches because I want to stop it. But as much as I want to stop it I am caught up in a cycle where everything I was taught it is ok to be, men are showing me it is not.

Am I not supposed to be strong, opinionated, self-sufficient, independent, focused, and inspired? Why is it that men care more about what I look like than they do about what goes on in my mind???

Why is it that I have not had a deep intellectual conversation with a man, about the issues going on in this world since hmmmm? Maybe March.

This world is crazy! And why is it that men want women to be vulnerable? --- I know the answer, but believe me there are alot of them out there.

I blame media, I blame those that put it in the media, I blame people ---- I blame them for perpetuating the image of women as sexual beings only to be lusted after, disregarded as a person, and void of self value or respect.

Again, my heart aches because I ponder on how I can end a cycle that has continued for years, even centuries. For the myth that good strong Black women are a dying bread.


My heart aches because although I have the knowledge that inspired me to write this note, I fall prey to the world that feeds this continuous cycle. My heart aches because I can not be the strength for my friend, I can not be her words, or her actions to help her break free of this cycle as well. My heart aches because I wait patiently on the side line waiting for the right moment to break my silence, stand up, and lead a revolutionary movement for the new Women's Rights Movement, for the new Black Movement, for the new Human's Rights Movement. My heart aches as a woman.

~ A Woman's Heart.