New Year Resolutions

In my younger days, I made new year resolutions every year. Only to ditch them within a week of making them. Somehow, people continue to make Resolutions every year. Telling themselves and others that, "This year is my year."


Well, change doesn't need a start date it needs action. So, instead of waiting to the new year to make some needed changes in my life, I plan to start today.


Be a healthier person. Live a healthier lifestyle. Get organized. Get financially fit. Improve my communication skills. Beef up my networks. Stay focused. Get my life in order.




Change starts when you decide that enough is enough. When you start to embrace change as something good, not scary or something to fear, you're able to cope with it better. So, start today. Don't wait til midnight Dec. 31st, make 2010 your year and continue that change into 2011.




Happy New Years!

Men Ain't Men No More

 No words.

Chivalry been dead. No shocker there, but men are not men any more. The script has flipped and now they want to be chased, romanced, and treated like a Queen, I mean, no I meant Queen.


So in my real attempt not to be coerced into a relationship, a guy I was talking to (who will remain anonymous) actually told me he wants somebody that wants him too. Now, I'm thinking to myself, "duhhhh, why wouldn't you?."

Then, he continues and asks if I like him because he didn't want to like me unless I liked him too. Now, those weren't his exact words, but in summary that's it. I laughed!

Seriously, how old are we that you are so scared of rejection that you rather look like a punk little boy. I can't respect a man that wants to take the easy route for love. How am I as a woman supposed to respect you and allow you to be a man?


Men ain't men no more. They are too scared of rejection. Too busy still chasing women who don't really care about them, well at least not until they finish spending his money. Too big headed thinking that by chasing their careers, the women will follow. It's true, but only the golddiggers will follow.Too conceited thinking women should cater to them, demanding 10's when they are a 4 and barely look composed.



You can't demand the world, if you aren't willing to give it! Don't let the videos, movies, and other falsehoods fool you. All that glitter is not gold! And money doesn't always attract the best kind of women, you know the type of woman that will ride with you. It only attracts the women that will ride with you until the money is gone then leave you for your homie.


I can easily apply the same unrealistic expectations to women. Let's get real with what we are offering and what we want. Stay focused on your own lane and stop looking at how everyone else is running their race or how their running it.


As far as men, I have no idea how to get back to the days where men were men. I could look up to them instead of now, I shake my head and laugh at the guys that step to me. All I can say, is don't let rejection turn you into a coward. Simply put, what homeboy did to me was pitiful and got him completely dismissed and labeled a crazy.



Deal with your emotional baggage people. Don't talk to someone until you have finally gotten rid of it or minimized the load you carry. And never ever get comfortable.



The plight of Single Black Women.

Double Standards?!

We live in a world where double standards have become the norm. While we may not all agree with them and some of us may even attempt to fight them, one way or another we get boxed in or box someone else in with these so-called double standards.



When men sleep with multiple women, he is just sowing his oats or being a man. When a woman does it, it is not looked upon as sexual liberation and freedom, but it is demonized as ho-ish behavior and she is no longer an attractive candidate as wifey... she is now jump-off material. Men will sleep with her, but not lock her down. On the flip side, women will keep sleeping with the promiscuous man in hopes of being locked down as wifey, knowing damn well he will continue to cheat. Not always, but a high likelihood he will.



That is the most common double standard.Just used it as an example, but there are many more double standards that exist in our every day life. From women who expect men to pay for every outing or meal. To men who believe that just because he pays he is entitled to sex. You may be thinking how is that a double standard, here's how: If a woman paid for everything (You know this happens) and a man is not putting in any money, then she would be entitled to all the sex, cooking, cleaning, and whatever she wants! Right?! Somehow when the tables are reversed, it's no longer ideal.


Even in the work place, if a Black man responds to a comment made with a stern voice and strong opinions he is being assertive. A Black woman who does the same thing is labeled as a bitch, angry, aggressive, bitter, and in desperate need of some sex to make her happy again. A double standard that plays on the stereotypes of Black women.


So, I would love to say let's get rid of these double standards! But in reality there are some I am not willing to give up like men offering their seat to a woman, opening doors, and pulling out chairs. Oh, and paying for the first date!


I personally live by the philosophy that if I invite you out, then I pay, but if you invite me out.. cough up the cash player. You want my time and to be in my company, not the other way around.


I do believe that as a woman if you call yourself independent, then you need to be independent enough to help cover the cost or pay it all for a particular outing. Again, I don't pay anything for the first three outings, but after that I'll surprise you by taking the check. (Have to send that subliminal message that I don't need you, but I want you. Men tend to forget that.)



Keep them all, some, or none? Tough! But double standards exist and they are beginning to destroy the creation of relationships because people are becoming so blind to the if I do this, you should or should not do this philosophy.


Let's be better about making up our own rules and not following the crowd because clearly not every one is doing it right in their relationship, marriage, etc. Are you mature enough to recognize your double standards?


The majority is not, it's okay. Takes a strong group to roll with the minority and go against the grain.

Special Delivery: A Special Part of Me

I told myself I would keep my poetry that I began writing to myself. See its been years since I have stood on a stage allowing the words to slowly escape my slips on the roller coaster of perfect timing, tone, and just deliverance for a precise presentation. My love has welcomed me back with open arms and its been nice ever since.


Although I said I wouldn't share, I think this one may resonate with people. Here it is, so enjoy!

Unnoticed

Here, I sit

In a room full of people

Yet, I go unnoticed.

Everyone engrossed in what they are doing at the moment

Not a care about what pain is occurring somewhere in the world

No thought that someone, somewhere just took their last breath.

It is the absence of consciousness that allows me to sit here

And go unnoticed.

Face full of sadness

Eyes drenched with despair

I receive glances, but these glances remain empty mimicking glances given to a stranger passed on the street.

Everyone is engrossed in their current engagement

Present only in the moment in hand.

Here, I sit

Present in the Yesterday's, Earlier's, and Tomorrow's

Sitting waiting in the moment

But my spirit elsewhere.

My body sits here

My eyes drenched with the neglect of love, heart beating to the slow drum beat of sorrow

My head swirling over the resounding disappointment on the brink of defeat.

I sit unnoticed

In a open space surrounded by others

Yet, my body sits here unnoticed.

My spirit dancing with hope in the Yesterday's and Tomorrow's

Earlier's no longer exist in spirit

Only they still reside in my body.

The remnants of Earlier's in my eyes sullen with a dream deferred

My body and mind waging a tug of war for my spirit to return to Reality.

Have you seen Reality?

Have you been there lately?

Because my spirit

Ever present in the Yesterday's and Tomorrow's feels at home

Always dancing to the music

Laughing at every joke

Skipping, instead of walking.

Does Reality allow your spirit to roam free in its Kingdom?

Here, I sit

Forgetting the Yesterday's, Earlier's, and Tomorrow's.

Here, I sit

In the midst of Others engaged in the current moment

Unconscious of every thing happening in the world where news reporters dare not venture.

Here, I sit

In this God forsaking Reality that wanted Me to be present for it

Gone unnoticed.

Tears streaming down my face

Running trails where my make-up once was

As if my tears that had fallen into my lap like raindrops intended to follow that trail back into my eyes once I had finished going unnoticed in a room full of Others.

Here, I sit

In the Present moment called Reality

Gone Unnoticed.

I guess no one missed me, my spirit. 

Yet, Here I am, Now...

Unnoticed.

Desire for Love?

I often find myself analyzing and critiquing my actions on a daily basis. Talk about OCD, right??


Well, one thing that has come to my attention is this desire for love. Love is defined in many different ways and I have yet to define what love means to me. It seems that if you look out at the world, love is not popular, yet desired by those who very seldom want to express or give it. What about the Love for Desire?

We desire people to notice our daily existence. If you didn't, you wouldn't have a facebook or a twitter, for posting on these sites sends a message to your online friends that I am still alive. I desire your attention to notice that I am still here. Even if we are still here, barely managing to keep our sanity in this so-called reality of what we call life. Even if we write our statuses, eyes filled with tears from the realization that no one really gives a damn of your existence. But, we love to desire. Desire attention.


You might find the disdain in the tone as you read this, and probably because it is there. We, as humans, desire love. We have a desire for love. So, what do you do when that desire is being unfilled? Is loving yourself enough? Is it as easy as telling someone YOU are responsible for loving yourself?


Well, if that is the answer. Perhaps, you can elaborate on how do you explain that to: a 2 day old baby thrown in the garbage by a mother who doesn't want the responsibility? A 5 year old little girl beaten close to death by alcoholic parents who were beaten by their parents? Or a 12 year old boy raped by his step-father and then disowned from his entire family when he reveals that he is now gay at the age of 15?


Is loving oneself enough to fulfill the desire for love?


If the proverb, it takes a village to raise a child, is true, then does it not also take a village to love a child. So, I ask you, is loving yourself enough to fulfill your desire and need for love? Love as you define it. Ask yourself. It's a rhetorical question.

Black Girl Blues Pt. 1

It is one of the most disheartening moments when you finally realize that the people you looked up to, placed on a pedestal to some extent, and thought had the answers to life and were living life, are not who you thought they really were/are. It is enlightening and disheartening the day you realize wisdom and knowledge does not increase with age. Yet, those who are older presume this to be true and treat those younger than themselves accordingly.

That is simply... Frustrating!


I cannot say for sure that they understand fully the demeanor in which they enact the belief that because they are older, that they know more and are wiser than I or you. Usually, it takes the form of them telling you you're not doing something right, you're missing the mark, you think too highly of yourself than you ought to, all the while they position themselves as knowing more and you ought to take heed to the advice they partake on you.


I will listen, but it is to my discretion whether I understand the advice to wise or not and take action.

Maybe, we are all guilty of doing this at one point or another. This may be a lesson to teach me how annoying, belittling, and arrogant it is. Trust me, I am learning! Now if I can only learn to prevent myself from doing it. Of course, that requires a daily consciousness of self and self actions, thoughts, and words.


The one thing I can say, is the more I come in contact with such foolish wisdom masked as a measurement of age, it makes me more and more inclined to draw away from the people I love, once loved to share every detail of my life with, and now, cringe at the very thought of having to talk more than five minutes with them.



It's the same feeling I got  the day I realized not all friendships will last forever. People really are here for a reason, season, and a lifetime. The foolish thing I have always done and am working to cease doing is attempting to make those reason and season persons a part of that lifetime category. I'm learning when some people have just ran their course in my life. It hurts to have to walk away or slowly disappear when some of those people have played such a huge part in the most memorable moments in my life, were a part in so many happy and fun times, and helped me through the difficult moments. We change at different paces and at the point in which we change pace, we must also change the people we surround ourselves with because it is true, that we our only as strong as our weakest link. People cannot change people. Only GOD can.And Birds of a feather do flock together.


So, I ask myself, what are my options? Do I really have options if the people who I loved and once loved me enough to give me space to grow on my own begin to damper my light, trample upon my spiritual growth, and block the sunshine I need to sprout?


They are tough questions, that I need to answer at some point in time, but I won't, at least not right now.

What's a Woman To DO??? Black Men Are Something Else These Days!

For the last two weekends, I have been traveling for pre-law programs and each time I have met truly amazing women during my travels. Last Saturday, I took a bus to New York for an event at Fordham Law School. At 3 a.m. I met a older lady who grew up in New York and moved to Maryland. Let's just call her Mrs. B.

For the next 2 hours, Mrs. B and I talked, mostly I listened because I find it intriguing to listen to the life stories of those older than me and to hear how different our worlds were/are when she was my age. As she talked about how she knew her husband since they were 14 and how her and her sisters acted towards men to build and demand respect, all I could think was that no one does that today! Mrs. B told me that her and her sisters had this rule: If a guy was 5 minutes late for a date, they would not go out with him. Every date after that he was on time!

I think that is how it should be now. The relations between Black women and men have become one where men expect women to cater to them on every hand and foot when they have done nothing at all to deserve it. What? You paid for movie and dinner!? Spent over $100!? You're not buying a service, a ho, or love. The amount of money men spend on a woman is for their own ego, that doesn't impress women of substance.


So, last night I decided to see how Mrs. B's philosophy would work in today's society. A old male friend has been wanting to hang out with me, but of course it seemed as if it was only on his time and always late at night. Now, I'm no BoBo the fool so I wasn't having that.

On Friday, he wanted to stop by on his way out to the club with his friends. Now, we were talking at 10:30 p.m. on the phone. Thus, his visit wouldn't come to 11:30 p.m. (The game was on). A little side note about me... I get in the bed early now because I like being an early riser, even on the weekends. So, I told him he couldn't come over because I planned on being in the bed by that time. His response, that I should stay up.


Ladies and Gentleman, Excuse me for a second. In what logical, let's keep it 100% real for a moment, world did that make sense and for whom. He wants to see me, but he also wants to finish watching the game. And I am supposed to stay up twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to get there only to be kept up even longer pass my bedtime and have to fight him out the house. Yeah, I saw all Cons for me and gladly said another day. He caught a little childish pout, mad he didn't get his way attitude. I really didn't care, he'll get over it.


Last night, I said I would be nice and invite him to a movie night at either 7 p.m. or 9 p.m. no later. Again, I wanted to be in bed early and I don't believe in having men over my house after a certain time, unless they are really good platonic friends of mine. I swear it seemed like I asked him to choose between two of the best strip clubs in town because he kept trying to call me back. Then, he tried to push the time back to 9:30 p.m. and I would not budge at first. I was on a mission to be in bed at a certain time. I started working on some projects and of course 9:30 p.m. was looking like the actual time I would be able to start the movie, so I hit him up and told him. Now, he wanted a later time. Asked him straight-up if he would be here by 9:30 p.m. and no later than that. He didn't know, so I told him no.


This time, his friends were having a get together and going out afterwards. He really wanted to see me, but wanted to hang out with his friends too. Not knocking him hanging out with his friends, do you baby boy! But Fellas, let me explain one thing to you! If you are really trying to talk to a girl, are in a relationship with her, and want to be successful in any female-male relationships, the woman comes first. You can hang out with your boys, not saying that you can't, but what I am saying is that you have to learn how to sacrifice and learn the ability to decipher when its "our" time and "your" time. At the end of the day, your boys are not going to cook your dinner, massage your back, clean your crib, wash your dirty drawers, and keep you warm and feeling needed, wanted, and sexy at night. If they are and you still want a woman to call your girl, O_o by all means do what you feel is right for you.

lol) OR 3) If you are spending time with your girl and balancing your time with your boys, but she wants you to spend your every waking second with her and no one else... Chances are you have a insecure little girl, not a grown woman.



If there is one thing that I cannot stand it is a man who can not make up his mind. Know what you want and be able to make a decision on how to get it. Listening to Mrs. B's advice on men, made me really think about men today and how everything must be how they want things and on their time. Everything during booty call hours when I ain't giving up no booty! I may be single for quite some time with this pattern continuing. As a woman, I am not chasing a man, the man should chase the woman. Yes, I still believe in that mentality and old way of doing things (only in the courting stages). 



I believe in compromise, but its amazing how men will always attempt to flip the script and try to make women feel as if they are wrong for sticking to their own principles. I don't want any man in my house after a certain time. That is what it is. Can't handle it or respect it, you just won't be knowing where I live or coming over. If that means I won't be having any relationships for a while, I'm fine with that. Maybe, men my age need more time to get their priorities in line. But I will never again be with a man who does not first respect me as a woman, human, a Black woman, and respect my feelings and time. Almost every woman has dealt with that before.


This post is not about all men, I can't even generalize this to all Black men, but this is my experience with the Black men and man mentioned above I have encountered. So, don't get your panties, thongs, granny drawers, boxers, or briefs in a twist thinking this is a blog that likes to demonize all men and women. Any Black person knows we are not the same and thus have to be treated as individuals. I don't like to be placed in a box, so I try my best not do it to others. It's an injustice.


But I wonder if Black relations will improve! Maybe I'm not meeting the right men, but where the hell are they hiding???? And please if you are one of those people that believe its not men, its something wrong with me Kiss My @ss it doesn't negate the fact that there are men who still engage in this manipulative behavior regardless of the woman's allowing it. If you believe that women allow men to act that way and therefore, they continue to engage in this behavior. You do an injustice to men by implying that they are incapable of self-control and self-governance and need someone to straighten them up. Think about it!

Get Out Of Your Own Way: My Experience at The National Black Pre-Law Conference

This is our history... our history was revolutionary & powerful. 

This is where we come from.

This weekend I had the honor of being present at a wonderful, great, marvelous, empowering, powerful, amazing, God-ordained conference: The National Black Pre-Law Conference founded by Ms. Evangeline M. Mitchell, Esq., Ed.M. that began Thursday and ended today in Houston, Texas.

Let me just say that I was extremely blessed to be in the presence of so many highly esteemed and great individuals. Make that great lawyers, judges, Law School shot callers, along with future and current law school students. To see Black people empowering each other, reaching back to give us the information that they WISHED they had to prepare them for law school and a career in law was just overwhelming for me.

So often we are in communities, churches, families, friendship circles, schools, and even being impacted by media where all we see are Black people demeaning each other and fulfilling the "crabs in a barrel" philosophy. We see, hear, and know of more Black men and women, and let's include our Hispanic brothers and sisters, that are going to jail than college, law school, and grad school. There is a vicious cycle of structural and institutional racism that is attacking and has been attacking US for so so long. Yet, our small gains in various areas are over fantasized as big achievements and we have simply become complacent with our current second-class citizen status because now the problems are covert and structurally hidden.


To be in a place where there was nothing but positive words of empowerment and inspiration, and advice being given to not only prepare the Blacks and Hispanics that were there, but to ensure that we succeed (i.e. apply, enroll, survive, and graduate law school as well as have successful careers) was truly amazing. There were a plethora of Unsung Heroes that without any one knowing who they were, were and are helping to pave the way to make it easier for myself, as a Black woman, to become a lawyer.


Yes, racism is still alive, but racism is NOT the reason for any person's failure. Your failure to preserve, keep faith, fight, and never give up is however. Do not let yourself become victim to, as they said, "Psychological Defeat."


Our ancestors fought too hard for the privileges, rights, and opportunities that we now take forgranted and pass up. Hardship is just that. Hard, but not impossible to overcome.



I am humbly grateful for the conference because I was turning myself into a victim of Psychological Defeat & now, let's just say I am "Hitting the ground running" now that I am back in Maryland.



Network, Network, Network!!! Talk to people. Ask for help! "Open mouths, don't get fed!"


A quote from a Maryland State Senator that he used every single day and every time I saw him that stuck in my head months, even months later is, "You have not, because you asked not."


So invest in yourself and do things that will enhance where you are and put you where you want and need to be. Money you can get back, the knowledge is invaluable. Empower yourself and each other. Open your mouth & watch how you will be fed. I am becoming a living testament of that & pray that the blessings that I have received from receiving the information, knowledge, wisdom, contacts, and experience from The National Black Pre-Law Conference in Houston, Texas will continue to keep flowing.



God Bless!


"Be an active participant in your destiny! It just won't happen out of thin air." - Ms. Chanelle

Vote! Vote! & Vote! - Don't Be Ignorant

As the general election occurs today, I have text everyone in my phone & called family members to vote. I understand that the many facebook statuses, twitter updates, texts, etc about voting can be annoying, but let's be practical: How often do you get mass messages & the same message from everyone?


While you may be one of these people tired of the message, someone else hasn't received it yet, someone else has decided they won't vote, and it is because of every one's persistence in spreading the Go Vote message that people have actually been guilted, persuaded, and coerced into exercising that right which was denied to African Americans and women not so many years ago.



So, if you are one of those people who have decided not to vote or think your vote doesn't matter, I say this to you: Don't Be Ignorant!


Your vote is your active participation in a process that is as important as brushing your teeth daily, eating, and drinking water for the health of your body. Voting is the action you take to show you care about the future of your taxes, your money, your child's education, the laws that will govern your life, and so many other things.


Please don't be ignorant to the fact that the people voted into office at the national, state, and especially local level have a lot of power in their decision making that govern our every day lives!!!!

I encourage you to not only vote because that is a easy step, but to be an informed voter. Don't take what you hear likely, do your research. We are in a advanced technological age where you have no excuse for why you didn't know something besides pure laziness and the failure to use your fingertips and the Internet.

Information is at the tip of our hands, so another thing I encourage you to do is to not only be an Informed Voter & actually go VOTE, BUT be active in the entire process from this day forth. Not just when elections come around, but all year round. Decisions are being made at these local Board meetings, during State hearings & committee meetings, and so forth. All of which you have access to. You have access to them. So, please don't be ignorant and vote without being informed, or don't vote, or think that voting was all you had to do to play your part in the process.


It's not!!!! A Democracy is successful when the people continually engage the process and tell their representatives what they want and don't want. How laws that are being proposed will really affect the people. Talking and arguing amongst your friends or cursing under your breath at the television doesn't help. Write an original letter because some, not all, but some politicians really do read their constituents letters and address their concerns. You, the constituent, are the BOSS. Exercise your power and right.


Just don't be ignorant... Too many people have fought, suffered, and died for this right that we now can exercise without the same barriers that once existed.


If you can't vote, I really don't think you have a right to even complain about anything. Just the same as if you don't put up money to pay for a group of people to see a movie, how dare you think you can add your two cents about what movie to see when the group decides on a movie you don't like.



Be informed, exercise your right to vote, & be engaged in the process after and before any Primary & General Election.

Are You Serious??? My Cell Phone Tho?

 We are in another technology revolution.It's crazy.

Believe it or not, I have been hearing and reading from many men that the type of cell phone a woman carries matters. Some have even gone so far to say we now live in 2010 which means that you should have a touch screen or a smart phone. Some men have said they won't date a woman who doesn't have those two types of phones.

Are you freaking kidding me? I think that's ridiculous! Increasingly, people (not specific to one race or gender) are becoming materialistic where we are defining ourselves and each other by how much we have, what we have, and how much we pay for it! I'm not oblivious to the fact that this has always been around, but it seems to appear that even more people, especially college graduates, are so caught up in the materialistic.


Well, I have one question for men and women who base their decision to date someone on the materialistic: What happened to the individual being a key factor in dating?


I am really trying to understand how something as a cell phone became a deal breaker. For me, it is not economically intelligent to be a prospective grad student trying to save money to ease the large amount of debt I'm about to stack up, but still paying $130/month for my Blackberry. Oh honey, that thing will get chucked after the 2 year contract is over. I will gladly get me a flip pre-paid phone from Walmart and use my google chat to dial people.



But, of course I'm keeping the money or "living within my means" in perspective. So, why does it matter what type of phone someone have that will determine whether you will date someone? Then, we wonder about the plight of relationships and marriage. Clarification: All marriages are on the decline in relation to their population.


At the end of the day, a phone still does its original purpose and calls people. Now that no one calls, every phone has the SMS text feature, so the only difference between the phones is the make, look, Internet capability, and $$$$$.


Let's base the process of selecting a partner, lover, mate, etc. off something other than as silly and materialistic as a cell phone. I even have a problem with people who can't look past the wrapping of the present (how someone dresses) and see the true gift in a person. Money buys clothes, shoes, cell phones, cars, & pays for our grooming, but not every person has money.


I pose this challenge. Get to know the person first before your deal breakers start calling play action and you miss out on a beautiful spirit. If that person can't dress, their hair is always just not on point, you always see them in sweats, etc. Get to know them! We pass these people by and guess what, that could be a man or woman in grad school, struggling at the moment for the larger price of making it in the end.


Let your superficialities GO!!!!! Let's be realistic in our deal breakers and our approach to dating.

Introspection: Intellectual Struggle Within My Mind

 I'm not a man, but the art speaks for itself.

I ran into a old classmate from one my favorite classes in undergrad today as I was coming from a political panel that was excellent. When we began talking, her diction and articulation reminded me that somehow I had fallen off my A game. But, I was able to pick my game right back up without difficulty. It was similar to the saying/belief that once you ride a bike, you never forget how to ride one.


Well, we began discussing relationships and education. Specifically, the gap that education (obtaining a post-secondary education) perpetuates in family, friends, and even romantic relationships. I mentioned that the ability to have a intellectual conversation was very, very important to me in a romantic relationship. Here's why:


Depending on the type of college you go or went to (I went to a PWI - Predominately White University) and the type of classes you took (I was a Social Science major) your language begins to adapt to the distinct language in that field. If you want to master your field, you learn the language. For example, if you're a Psychology major you may use terms such as dissociative, cognitive or reinforcement. While non-Psych manors may know these terms, how they're used in the Psychology field and in everyday society are disparate.



Then I thought about how education starts dividing us socially because in order for one to continue to grow and excel in their field of study they must accompany like-minded people. If the guy I'm talking to is a "around the way" guy, blue collar job, and didn't do too well in school and not too bad, I can't discuss the dire need for education reform to reconsider zoning and the classism that exists within various regions. The language that I use may be unfamiliar to him. Let me clarify, it becomes increasing hard and annoying to have to explain what you said again after you said it, but this time in a language that your partner would understand. For me, and I don't speak for everyone, I don't want to communicate in a different language that requires more thought about how to say it in a comprehensive manner than what I first thought or said. It's just more work. I prefer to use the language I used in my mind when I first wrestled with the idea. (Now, I'm not saying if I met the right guy and that was the only obstacle that it would be a automatic deal breaker, but he might have to take some classes. I'm not trying to dumb it down.)


When I was in college as a upperclassman, I was talking to a ex from my Senior year in high school and we were talking about politics and the Presidential race. Now, my ex had never gone to college and whether or not he is smart, etc. is not relevant, but it became painfully obvious that he was using words that he didn't really know how to use in a sentence and he didn't know what he was talking about. I felt as if he was trying to impress me (the college ex-girlfriend) rather than just being himself and I felt more annoyed that my intelligence was being toyed with. That is, I was teased with a conversation that started a desire to debate the matter further, but he wasn't a qualified opponent to debate.


I still believe that intellectual compatibility is a must for me. However, with the number of Black women pursing post-collegiate education growing and the number of Black men attending 4-year accredited colleges receding, I'm a little worried about my pool of options once I am out of law school. Of course, men of other races are a option, but its nothing like a beautiful Black man by your side as a Black woman. Then, geographical location already limits my eligible pool of "dateable" men, but education which furthers ones intellectual capacity has proven through experience that my options are even more limited or they just don't live in the DMV.


I wonder if I am the only one that takes intellectual compatibility into consideration when deciding what men are granted access to pursue more than just a preliminary conversation with me. Yes, I said granted because we all have permission to grant and revoke a person's admittance in our lives. If you don't pass the conversation test, you're SOL buddy! But is intellectual compatibility even important to men or women? Or more important to women than men or vice versa?

Thou Shalt Not Have Relations With Married Men...

For some reason I am still shocked to discover that women I've known my whole life and whom I have been very close to mess with married men. Of course, if married men are cheating, they must be cheating with someone! But, I can not fathom why any single woman in her right mind would want to date or sex a married man.

I believe in the silent code amongst upstanding Black women. I may not know who the woman is, but if a man has a woman he's dating, I refuse to discuss any topics or engage in any acts that I would call a foul on if my significant other had done the exact same thing. I represent probably a small percentage of Black women who honors and respect the code.


It's sad because the act of sleeping with a married man or a man in a committed relationship is very common nowadays. Fantasia! Separated or not, that man was not divorced from his wife. Yes, some men lie, but there are always signs, ALWAYS! One being, he never spends the night or that tan line around his left ring finger. Just saying.

Back on topic... Now, some people may say "if there's no ring, then he's on the market," but I guarantee you these same people would be crying their hearts out if their partner cheated. But it's a open market right?! D@mn hypocrites.


Seriously, as Black women and men, we have to do better! A Black woman cheating with a married man or a man in a committed relationship only diminishes the respect for Black love and relationships. It also sanctions the act of cheating for Black men in these relationships because let's face it, by today's ridiculous gender biases the woman will be a ho for sleeping around and the man, well he's the man. I don't agree with it at all, but how often does this seem to be the case!


Black men need to realize that a "real" man knows self-control (I hate using the world real but for lack of a better word). Black women need to realize that honey, you probably aren't the first, won't be the last, and if you get him - 9 times out of 10 how you get him, is how you lose him.


Have some dignity and respect not only for yourself, but for other people. Any person who willingly commits an act that they know may cause harm or hurt, is a person who is not whole or happy on the inside.It takes two people to cheat and both parties should be equally responsible for their wrongdoing.



Let's be and do better. What you do in the dark will come to light! I bet you wouldn't want your pastor or child knowing about your secret indiscretions, would you?



Did I take it to far? I am somewhat of an idealist. Would you ever sleep or date a married man or someone in a relationship? Have you been that man or woman that cheated? What is your take on this phenomena?

Girl, Let Me Tell You He Ain't Sh*t! - But You Keep Dealing With Him, SMH

Hating single girlfriend: Girl, he ain't sh*t! Leave him alone.
Girl in denial dealing w/ ain't sh*t dude: You don't know him like I know him.
Hating single girlfriend: He keeps treating you like a option. He calls and texts when he wants, but when it's time to step up, he disappears. Men only do what you allow them to do.
Girl in denial dealing w/ ain't sh*t dude: Yeah, you're right. I'm not going to talk to him any more.



2 weeks later...


Girl in denial still dealing w/ ain't sh*t dude: Girl, tell me why me & "ain't sh*t dude" was supposed to go out and he never showed up!



I think you get the drift. Every woman at some point in time will probably have the conversation above in some shape or fashion. Either she will be the supposed "hating single girlfriend" or the "woman in denial."

First, let me state for the record that just because someone is single and may offer relationship advice does not mean they're doing something wrong or that a single person's relationship advice should be deemed void and invalid because of their relationship status. That's absurd! Just because someone is in a relationship doesn't mean they have discovered the magic formula to help you get a man or woman. Every person and relationship is different.


So, with that said... I shall continue.


Why is it that when a Black woman truthfully and wholeheartedly tells her friend in denial that the guy she's talking to really isn't worth sh*t, and that she should kick him to the curb and keep it moving? When she does, now she's a hater?
 

Reality Check: Some, yes some, not all, men aren't sh*t! Some women aren't sh*t! So on and so forth. Doesn't mean they don't have potential to not be so full of sh*t, but at the moment, it just ain't happening.


I love music and the Jazmin Sullivan's song "Holding You Down", particularly one line sums it up: "I'm ashamed to say that I'm the blame for how you acted... cuz I keep coming back."


If a man keeps ignoring your phone calls, but calls you when he's ready to chill. Ignores your texts, but then texts you out the blue like he didn't fall off the face of the earth for two weeks. If a man makes plans with you and on the day of those plans pulls another disappearing act. Ladies, you are an option!

Men only do what you allow them to do and treat you how you allow them to treat you. So if you're fine with being a option, go right ahead and play the fool, you might snag one. On the other end, you continuing to be a fool makes it harder for women like me to actually find a man who respects and value the woman he decides to pursue because we won't put up with the same games. Of course, at this point either he steps up or steps away, but that is to be discussed at another time.

Oh, and stop complaining about what he didn't do this time around. If his act hasn't changed after a month or so, it won't! That little bit of progress you thought you saw, is his way of doing just enough to keep you around longer. Men aren't stupid, but Women continue to be.


Am I wrong? Have you been a woman in denial, a hating single girlfriend, or a single girlfriend trying to be the light? If you are or have been the girl in denial, why do you keep going back? Should women start singing along with Keri Hilson and protest that our love indeed has a limit and it ain't being a mere option? Fellas, did I give away too much information? Have you ever been in denial before or the friend trying to help your homeboy in denial?


Honestly, I would love to know how ya'll feel about this one.

There's Only One Queen B!

The other day I was waiting for my friend at the metro just as you enter to catch the train. As I was standing there waiting, two other Black women, who in my opinion were attractive ladies, were standing a little distance from me. Well, as another Black woman came through the entrance (where you pay) she said something in reference to her being fabulous to her friends a little loud and in true ghetto-fabulous fashion. But, it's not her that took me aback, it was the comment I overheard from one of the other two ladies.



Hating-@ss woman: "It ain't like she isn't ugly."


Now, she could have been referring to someone else, but the coincidence of these two events occurring close to each others decreases the likelihood that she was indeed doing so. As I continued to stand by myself, in a dress, blazer, heels, and cute jewelry I might add, waiting for my friend I noticed something else.

I kept getting harsh stares from Black women. And no, I'm not paranoid. I'm a people watcher, so I watched white women continue to walk pass, but Black women would stare at me with that "she ain't cute" look. They could have been just admiring my wardrobe or makeup. And this isn't to say White women don't stare, but let's just dismiss that for this post.

Later that night I was talking with, let's call her Mrs. X,  and she was telling me how her girlfriends would always comment as Black women walked passed them: "Oh, she think she cute," "She know she shouldn't have even worn that," or "She ain't all that." We are talking about women who are 30+ now making these comments. Women who should, I use the term "should" loosely, be secure and confident with who they are and how they look.


So why is it that Black women hate on other Black women? Why can't a Black woman think she is cute or the sh*t?

I know when I get all dolled up for a special night out or for work, I don't think, but I know I am cute. Simply because I put time and effort into my appearance which should be rewarded by glances and fleeting attempts by gorgeous men to get my attention.



Mrs. X offered one intriguing explanation: There can't be more than one Queen B.



Why is it that there can't be more than one Queen B or can there be? Why can't Black women get along? Where does the hate come from? Do guys even have this same issue?

Why Did I Make Eye Contact?

As a single woman, the possibility that the next guy may be the "one," whatever the hell the one means, is always lurking around the corner. But what happens if the guys that approach you for your number are never the ones you're attracted to.

I used to say, I hate that guys judge me by appearance rather than my personality or intellect, but let's get real. I see you before I get to talk to you. Our sight is the first source of stimuli when we see someone. That's how I know whether or not I'm attracted to his fione ass a nice looking gentleman.

So yesterday, I was at a conference at the Verizon Center with my home girl and I noticed this guy kept periodically staring at me. Wasn't my cup of tea and I should have known better to make eye contact! I kid you not, as soon as I got in line for the women's bathroom, all I heard was "excuse me." After chuckling, more from being caught off guard that this fool had the nerve to actually follow me up a thousand steps and say something, the conversation went like this:

Me: Yes
Guy: My name is "G-man", what's your name?
Me: Miss Chanelle
Guy: I saw you and wanted to get to know you. Can I call you some time?
Me: Sorry, but I don't give out my number
Guy: Well, can I give you mine
Me: Uh, sure
Guy: (Gives number) You're probably not going to call me are you?



At this point, I should have just said no. But I gave him false hope. Oh, and I really don't give out my number - reasons that will be discussed in another post, but what was I supposed to do. I should have had the courage to just say, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested. Yet, that would have been so wrong!??? Right?




I wonder how someone else would have handled an unattractive other following you to retrieve the digits? Do you pretend like you're interested? Or do you just say straight in their face, sorry, but I'll pass? Do you take rejection easily? How would you have reacted to someone saying they're not interested?

Reviewing the Archives of Facebook Notes

Once upon a time, facebook was hot and facebook notes were too. When it wasn't so horrible, I shared my thoughts with the world and there is one note that still resonates with me a year later.


Here it is:


A Woman's Heart  Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I guess this is one of those midnight notes after a long phone conversation with my home girl.


Believe it or not it is a cold world out here for a single woman. The confusion that we go through trying to figure men out. What is it that men don't recognize a real woman.

It's like they would rather be treated like crap than be treated like Kings. Now I know it may seem like I am a male basher due to some of my statuses, but to be honest I love my Black men. I just think that in this system that has flaunted the matriarch style of life and allowed men to scapegoat their way out of taking care of their responsibilities, our young boys have no one to look up to.

Then these young girls who are popping out babies, have never learned how to be a real woman and were never taught the value of teaching their sons how to treat a lady because their father was not around to teach them how a man should treat a woman.

This cycle is crazy. And my heart aches because I want to stop it. But as much as I want to stop it I am caught up in a cycle where everything I was taught it is ok to be, men are showing me it is not.

Am I not supposed to be strong, opinionated, self-sufficient, independent, focused, and inspired? Why is it that men care more about what I look like than they do about what goes on in my mind???

Why is it that I have not had a deep intellectual conversation with a man, about the issues going on in this world since hmmmm? Maybe March.

This world is crazy! And why is it that men want women to be vulnerable? --- I know the answer, but believe me there are alot of them out there.

I blame media, I blame those that put it in the media, I blame people ---- I blame them for perpetuating the image of women as sexual beings only to be lusted after, disregarded as a person, and void of self value or respect.

Again, my heart aches because I ponder on how I can end a cycle that has continued for years, even centuries. For the myth that good strong Black women are a dying bread.


My heart aches because although I have the knowledge that inspired me to write this note, I fall prey to the world that feeds this continuous cycle. My heart aches because I can not be the strength for my friend, I can not be her words, or her actions to help her break free of this cycle as well. My heart aches because I wait patiently on the side line waiting for the right moment to break my silence, stand up, and lead a revolutionary movement for the new Women's Rights Movement, for the new Black Movement, for the new Human's Rights Movement. My heart aches as a woman.

~ A Woman's Heart.